The Effects of Love
by memberoftheliterati
Summary: Remus has a particularly bad transformation, and Sirius is left wondering as to the cause. Remus isn't keen to tell him, but he learned long ago a friendship so deep leaves no room for secrets. Late OotP. Not slash!


**The Effects of Love**

_Disclaimer: I do not own _Harry Potter

Sirius didn't understand it. Remus had been doing so well. His transformations over the last year had been nearly as mild as they were back when he had three Animagi to accompany him. Now, however, what lay before him might have been a pile of uncooked shredded meat rather than one of his oldest friends. Sirius couldn't help but stare for a few moments before mentally shaking himself and kneeling down to begin his ministrations. It took much longer than usual, the dawn light dimming the lamps of the basement steadily through the one high-set window as he worked. When he'd cleaned the excess blood off with his wand, he actually attempted some healing spells on the wounds with little effect, although the swelling around Remus' ribcage did go down slightly. Gifted wizard though he was, even he could not overcome the curse of werewolf injuries. So he was resigned to doing the best he could with liberal amounts of bandages and salve made from dittany and other healing herbs.

Remus stirred near the end. He opened his eyes, focused on the darkly framed face above him, and shut them again. He let out a moan that ended in, "Sirius."

"Hang in there, Moony," he said bracingly, "I'm almost finished here and then we'll get you upstairs into bed." He did not betray the pain that pierced through him at his friend's sound of distress, or the considerable alarm he felt. The first full moon after they were reunited Sirius had been surprised when Remus awoke shortly after he had begun to tend him, but now he had come to expect it. Remus had managed to train his mind to wake long before it wanted during his years of transforming alone, to minimize blood loss. Since Sirius was with him again, he had not been unconscious as long as he was this morning.

Sirius finished wrapping a bandage around a particularly deep fang mark on Remus' calf and slipped an arm behind his back to sit him up. Remus, unprepared for the sudden movement, cried out. Sirius quickly slid behind him and let him rest against his own body, saying, "Sorry. I should have warned you." He waited a few moments until Remus got his breath, then continued, "Come on, this isn't exactly comfortable for either of us. Do you think you can walk?"

Remus hesitated, trying to master his pain and, unusually for one so accustomed to it, failing completely. He tried to sound confident and offhand as he said, "Yes, of course." He knew by Padfoot's apprehensive face that he had failed at that, too.

Nevertheless, Sirius helped Remus stand, barely avoiding a physical wince at Remus' gasp. Such outbursts of pain were not normal; Remus was all too good at suffering in tight-faced silence. They were not halfway across the basement when Remus' knees collapsed. Sirius had been on alert, and tightened his grip around Remus' waist at nearly the same time that Remus tightened his arm around Sirius' shoulders. Remus tried frantically to get his feet under him again to no avail; they simply kept slipping out. Sirius could only endure a few moments of watching this before he bent over and, with his free arm, swept up his friend's legs. Now holding a startled Moony against his chest, he soothed, "Relax, Remus. You're hurting yourself. Just let me."

Remus remained tense for only a few more seconds before he allowed himself to fall against his friend. He dropped his head onto Sirius' shoulder, exhausted. He didn't have the strength to fight. Sirius was the only remaining person on the planet whom he would allow to see him like this, and he knew he did not have to put up the façade for him that he did for others. They had been through too much together for embarassment to be a barrier now.

Sirius carried Remus up three flights of stairs, trying not to jostle him. While only half a head shorter than himself, Remus had always been thin and was not difficult to carry. It was not the first time he had done so, though before he'd always had James. If Remus was conscious before they got him into bed after transformations post-Hogwarts, James and Sirius would carry rather than levitate him, one on either side. Then it had been easy to pretend they were merely lending support, saving Remus his dignity. But Sirius was alone now, and he didn't have that luxury. He was relieved that Remus had not argued. In a few minutes, he was nudging open the door to Remus' bedroom with his back. He very gently laid Remus on his bed, trying to make sure his head and neck landed on the pillows. He drew the blanket up over him.

"Thanks, Padfoot," Remus whispered hoarsely. His breathing was ragged.

"Don't mention it. Here, drink this." Sirius handed him a vial of potion that he'd drawn from his pocket. "It'll help the pain so you can sleep." He turned around to grab the desk chair and place it nearer to the bed. By the time he'd done so, Remus was sound asleep, empty potion vial lying on the coverlet.

Sirius picked it up and sank into the chair. For the most part during the past year, he had simply sat beside Moony and waited until he woke after transformations. He and James, and sometimes Peter, used to while away the time chatting or playing chess or Exploding Snap in the living room of Remus' flat. They placed a Movement Sensing charm on the bedroom so they would know when their friend started to stir, and thus be able to arrive within moments. But now, Sirius had no one else and nothing better to do but sit and watch the last of his best friends sleep. He smiled sadly, recalling many an afternoon spent losing chess matches to James, and fought the burning in his throat. He remembered the first time he'd met Harry, in the Shrieking Shack, wearing the fiercely protective glare for his friend Ron that James had worn so many times for him or Remus or Peter against some perceived threat or taunt. For half a second, he'd been convinced that it _was_ James before reason and guilt- and the sight of Lily's eyes- caught up with him. James had trusted him… had trusted him completely and faithfully, and he, Sirius, had failed the person he loved more than any other. The forgiveness of Remus had meant the world to him, but it could not totally wipe away the strangling tendrils of guilt, nor fill the void that had formed in the half of him that was James on the night of Halloween 1981. The burning in his throat released itself, and Sirius buried his face in his hands.

* * *

It was late evening when Remus felt consciousness slowly returning to him. It started off as a dull ache, progressed to a pulsing pain, and finally jumped suddenly to fullblown torture. His eyes snapped open. His breathing had become shallow and he found he couldn't control it. He shouldn't be in this much pain. He was _never_ in this much pain so many hours after a transformation. He saw Sirius' face appear in his line of vision, bending over him, and heard him murmur "sit up a minute". Automatically he obeyed, trying to push himself upright. He felt Sirius' arm go around him and was alarmed to find that he actually needed it. The arm held him up for a few moments, and when he was eased back a bit it was against pillows that bolstered him into a half-sitting position. With shaking hands he took the goblet Sirius held out to him and drank. The potion worked instantaneously, taking the edge off his pain enough that he could control his breathing and think clearly. He saw Sirius watching him with unveiled anxiety.

"I'm all right," he said weakly, "It was… just a bad transformation, that's all…"

"I can see that much," Sirius replied sarcastically, and then fixed him with a glare. "Don't think I'm not going to ask what made this one so bad. I will, just not now." His gaze softened. "How's the pain?"

"Manageable."

"Good. Then I'll go make us some dinner. Wait for me here." Sirius left the room with a warning look.

Remus smiled fondly after him, knowing exactly what he was getting at. He had been known to try to push his body too much, wanting only to resume normal life as quickly as possible. More than once James, Sirius, and Peter had caught him up and about but on the verge of collapse only hours after a transformation. Remus chuckled; he wasn't about to try that tonight. Besides the fact that he didn't think he'd make it across the room, he wasn't eager to jumpstart the conversation he knew was coming. Sirius wanted to know what had caused such an intense transformation, what had made the werewolf so violent, and Remus didn't doubt that he would have to tell him, but he didn't want to think about it just now… he didn't really want to think about anything just now…. When he reopened his eyes, Sirius was coming in the door.

Sirius set a tray over Remus' legs, removing one of the plates for himself. He grinned. "I promise I've gotten better at cooking since we lived in flats." They both smiled in shared reminiscence of the times when Sirius inviting them over for "dinner" meant pizza or take-out. Remus took a bite.

"Edible," he commented, "Though a far cry from the days when Lily brought our meal over after full moon."

"Lily was a great cook. I don't know how James managed to stay so thin after they got married," Sirius said, exchanging a bittersweet smile with Remus. They ate quietly for a few minutes. Sirius drifted back into the same memories he'd been lost in all day. Without warning, he said softly, "I still miss them. Especially him. Oh God, I miss James."

Remus watched as Sirius lowered his head, his dark hair falling forward and obscuring his face. He didn't need to be able to see it to know the expression written on it. Sirius was his brother in everything but blood, but he and James had always had a bond that none of the rest of them shared. Remus wasn't sure there was another quite like it in the entire world. He had never- well, very rarely, and not since Hogwarts- envied what James and Sirius shared. He knew what he had gone through when James died, and it had almost killed him, so he couldn't imagine what it must have been like for Sirius. Add to that twelve years trapped in Azkaban reliving the experience every single day coupled with the knowledge that the whole world thought him a traitor to his dearest friend, and Remus wasn't sure how he had survived. It must have taken incredible strength, and it had left its marks on him. Remus saw them every day. But this was probably the one subject in the world on which he did not know quite how to comfort Sirius, especially when he was still exhausted himself from a transformation. But, of course, he gave it a shot.

"I know it's not the same, but I miss them, too," he said slowly, "I suppose I've just reached the point where I can do so without it hurting so much, where I can remember and be happy for what we did have. I know that I've had fourteen years to work through it, whereas you've only had three in which any healing could take place. It's not fair of me to compare, so I won't. But I will say this- James wouldn't want you to wallow in grief. We both know that. And wherever James is watching us from, I'm sure it hurts him to see you brooding instead of laughing. He'd have to knock some sense into you."

Sirius smiled, but whispered, "But I'm the one who killed him."

Remus knew his next statement would be completely useless, but he couldn't help saying it, anyway. He didn't know what else to do. "It's not your fault. We all trusted Peter." He saw Sirius' look of disbelief and tried to think of some other way to reassure him. However, the pain which he had successfully pushed to the edges of his consciousness took advantage of his momentary lapse in focus to come rushing past its barriers in full force. Remus shut his eyes and involuntarily tried to curl in on himself. He heard Sirius moving around and suddenly found a fresh goblet of potion being shoved into his hands. He swallowed without looking and felt the pain recede to its previous level. When Remus opened his eyes again, Sirius was frowning at him.

"The potion shouldn't have worn off that quickly," he said, "Is it really that bad, Remus? By this point your pain should be easing up on its own."

"I know how the transformation cycle goes," Remus snapped. Then he sighed, "Sorry. I… I don't know what's the matter… I don't know why I'm not healing like I should…" Could all this really be from-? Remus' mind answered itself: yes. But he wasn't up to telling Sirius yet.

For his part, Sirius gave Remus a sharp look, but did not comment. He knew his friend was in no condition to be pressed for information just yet. Instead, he rubbed his hands over his face and said, "I'm the one who should be sorry. Now is not the time for me to be coming to you for comfort and burdening you with my problems. I should be taking care of you right now."

"And so you are. We're friends. We take care of each other," Remus said firmly.

Sirius smiled warmly, and the two locked eyes for a moment that didn't need words. Then it was over and Sirius indicated Remus' plate, which had only a few bites missing from it. "Are you going to eat any more of that?" At his head shake, Sirius gathered up the dishes to take them downstairs.

Sirius washed the dishes without magic, both giving Remus time to rest quietly and himself time bring his anxiety in check. He was now positive that he'd never seen a transformation this bad, and he had seen some pretty ugly ones. Of course, there had been many he hadn't seen- twelve years' worth too many, including the one following James' and Lily's deaths, which he was certain must have been awful. But what was Remus not telling him? He'd seemed perfectly normal the day before full moon, and the day of Sirius hadn't seen him until just before he'd gone into the basement to transform. He'd sensed fear coming from his friend then, but he'd assumed it was just of the night ahead; full moons were no picnic. Had something else happened that day? What could possibly have happened? Remus had spent most of the afternoon lying down, his body already reacting to the violence it anticipated.

The issue behind the horrible transformation concerned Sirius perhaps even more than Remus' physical condition. The havoc wreaked by the werewolf would heal, even if it was happening more slowly than usual, and he knew how to care for his friend's physical injuries. But if he didn't find out what was going on in Remus' head, he couldn't help fix it. It had to be something big to cause this. Sirius thought back again to the first transformation after he'd sought Remus out on Dumbledore's orders. It was this month last year. He checked the calendar; just one week shy of their reunion, in fact. He would never forget the night of the 24th of June, when Harry had told him and Dumbledore of Voldemort's return. Only two days later had been the full moon, and after the news he'd just had to deliver, Sirius had been prepared for the worst. But the transformation was mild, yielding only the usual cuts and bruises. By dinnertime the following day, Remus had been back downstairs eating and discussing plans for contacting people. Sirius sighed, rummaging in the pantry to find the chocolate bar he knew was in there somewhere. Whatever it was, he would get it out of Moony tomorrow when he was up to it. Tonight would be focused on merely distracting him from his pain.

Sirius trudged back up to his friend's room and tossed the chocolate bar at him as he resumed his seat. "Here. Thought you could use some of this tonight." He watched Remus take a bite, noting with approval how his face relaxed immediately.

Remus felt warmth flow through him from the moment he swallowed the first mouthful. Some of his weakness and pain receded as well. He took several more bites and finally said, "Thanks. I didn't know you had any chocolate. How old is this? It's been a while since you've been to Honeyduke's."

"It's the last of the package Hermione got me for Christmas." Sirius smiled. "I ate nearly the whole thing right after they all left for school again, I was so upset at having to let Harry go. But luckily I had someone to knock some sense into me in time, and I saved this one for an emergency."

"Well, I'm extra glad I happened to be around to knock sense into you, then. But I'm sorry to have used up your emergency stash."

"Don't be. You needed it. There's nothing more to be said. Besides, now I can just send you out for more. I need to keep you around for these kinds of things."

"Glad I can help. I knew there was a reason you put up with me," he laughed, and added softly, "But I'm pretty sure I need you more than you could ever need me."

"I wouldn't count on it," Sirius answered solemnly, but then he grinned. "But that's good, 'cause you're stuck with me for a long time to come."

* * *

Remus awoke the next morning to fierce aching throughout his entire body. He lay still for a few minutes, adjusting to this harsh consciousness, and glanced at his clock. It was eleven, much later than he usually slept, even when recovering from a full moon. He felt as if he had slept two hours instead of sixteen. He remained still until he knew he would drift back off again if he didn't get up. Throwing the blankets off, he stood and then reached out to steady himself on the bedpost as dizziness enveloped him. He frowned, but tried to shake it off, and went slowly across the hall to the bathroom. He unwound the numerous bandages and studied himself; he'd acquired several new permanent scars, which were only caused by deep wounds. By the time he'd showered and dressed, he wanted nothing more than to crawl back into bed and sleep for the rest of the day. But all he allowed himself to do was sit on the bed for a few moments, burying his face in his hands and puzzling over how badly he felt. He was still weaker than normal, which was unheard of for the second day after full moon. Tired and perhaps sore, yes, but never weak. He didn't have to look far for the answer, and wanting to put off thinking about it in addition to wanting to stop feeling like an invalid, he concentrated on making his way downstairs. He paused halfway down the first flight to rest against the wall, willing his head to stop spinning.

Sirius saw Remus stop as he made his way up the same staircase, unnoticed by his friend. He'd been waiting downstairs for him for hours, and now that it was lunchtime had finally decided he could reasonably go check on him. The sight made the anxiety he'd been nursing all through yesterday bloom into outright worry. He was at Moony's side in seconds. Taking his arm, Sirius asked, "Are you all right?"

"Yes, Mum, I'm fine," Remus replied, rolling his eyes even as he leaned involuntarily against Padfoot.

Shaking his head, Sirius put an arm around Remus' back, gripping him under the shoulder, as he retorted in the same tone, "Yes, you're obviously perfectly all right. You had to stop after six steps because you're absolutely fine." He helped his friend down the stairs, feeling Remus lean reluctantly but heavily on him. He only let go when they were in the dining room, and gestured for Moony to sit down. He watched until Remus had eased stiffly into a seat at the table, then went into the kitchen to make him some breakfast.

Remus wanted to follow and tell Sirius he could make his own breakfast, but he knew Sirius would only glare him back into the dining room. His body, too, was telling him to stay seated; the room was still blurring alarmingly. So he sat and focused on breathing normally and pushing the aching that had worsened during the trek downstairs far enough away that Sirius didn't pick up on it. Unwillingly, magnetically, his mind drifted back to the conversation in the library the morning of full moon. His heartbeat sped up, his blood racing through his veins, and a pain that was more than phsyical crashed over him. Distraction came thankfully in the way of Sirius setting a mug of tea and a plate before him. He disappeared into the kitchen and came back with his own plate full of sandwiches and some butterbeer.

"You're eating again, too?"

"Yeah! It's lunchtime, even if you're eating breakfast," Sirius exclaimed, "I got hungry sitting down here waiting for you. I was on my way to your room to make sure you were still alive."

"Well, I'm still that, though right now I rather wish I weren't," Remus said. He tossed around the question he'd been debating asking for a while now in his head. He didn't want to see Padfoot's reaction, but he also knew he could let his guard down with him; after all, the man had carried him helpless up a number of stairs the previous morning. A particularly sharp stab of pain to his bruised ribs made up his mind. "I don't suppose there's any of that pain potion left?"

Predictably, worry and concern appeared on Sirius' face. He stood up at once and rummaged in his potion cabinet, which stood in a corner of the room. He found the right bottle and poured some into a goblet, which he brought back to his friend. Sitting down across from him again, he asked, "You're still in enough pain to need potion?"

"I don't _need_ it, I just thought I might like to spend the day able to move freely," Remus snapped, "I'm tired of being in pain."

"Of course, I'm glad you asked for it. I don't want you to be in pain, Moony," Sirius soothed at once, and looked intently at him. Abruptly, he said, "All right, time to spill it. What made this transformation so bad? What is causing you so much trouble healing?"

Remus looked away. He felt Sirius' eyes boring into him, and knew he would have to admit the conversation in the library. They never could keep secrets from each other, none of them. Except Peter. Peter had managed to keep the biggest secret of them all. Still studying the remains of the eggs on his plate, he said in a low voice, "Tonks."

Sirius looked bewildered, and repeated, "Tonks? What's my cousin got-?" His eyes suddenly got very round, and a look of triumph appeared. "I _knew_ there was something going on there! I've been watching sparks fly for months!" The triumph was replaced by a frown. "But what happened?"

Remus moved on to studying the dregs in the goblet he was twirling absently. "She came to me in the library… the day of full moon… she… she told me she had… feelings for me. Romantic feelings."

"Well, that's great!" Sirius cried, delighted. He looked quizzically across the table. "What's the problem? Don't tell me you don't have feelings for her; the state you're in is proof enough that you do."

"That's the problem. I care about her… a lot," he replied sadly.

Sirius was confused again. Slowly, he said, "Let me see if I've got this straight… you like her, and she's just admitted she likes you… which are the usual starters in a relationship… where, exactly, is the problem? Correct me if I'm being thick, but it sounds like wonderful news. You've needed a woman for a long time now!"

"You _are_ being thick!" Moony exclaimed, "Use your head! Nothing can ever happen between us, and yet she's admitted she has feelings for me… which means somehow _I_ have to be the responsible one and turn her down even though it means ripping my own heart out! Which makes this very _not_ wonderful news!" He buried his face in his hands and added miserably, "There. Now you know why this transformation was so horrible."

Sirius stared. He knew that Remus was a very cautious man, but you couldn't get much more of a green flag than Tonks openly admitting she cared about him. Sirius was rather impressed- the Blacks had never been known for being articulate about their emotions. Even he hadn't managed to escape that particular genetic hand-me-down; he was glad Dora had. Now he just had to get out of Moony _why_ he thought the two of them couldn't give it a shot. He had some ideas, but he wanted to get Moony to confess them; he had never been as good at reading people as James had, and while the other Marauders had tended to be exceptions to the rule, he didn't want to take any chances. So he pressed, "All right, I get why the transformation was so bad now. We both know that it's a dangerous thing for a wizard to ignore his feelings; it tampers with our powers, and in your case, aggravates your furry little problem. What we need now is to prevent this from happening again, because I don't want to have to keep emptying out my stores of pain potion every month. So: why can't you and Dora have a relationship? Worst comes to worst you're not soulmates and it doesn't work out."

Remus shook his head. "It won't work out. And I don't think I'll be able to take it if I let myself get closer and then have to watch when she walks away… I've done that once already. I'm sure this is just a crush for her. She's much too young. We weren't even at Hogwarts together!"

"So? We only missed her by a year… she started the year after we graduated. That's only eight years apart. Not so very young. And from what I've observed, she has far more than a crush on you. If it were only a crush, she wouldn't have said anything. It's not in the Black nature to gush about our feelings. So it must be pretty serious for her to seek you out. Don't let this opportunity walk by. You could make each other happy."

"How can you be so willing to let her date an older man? She's your little cousin!"

"I'm not willing to let her date _an older man_, I'm willing to let her date _you_. I don't have to worry about her with you. You're a great guy, Moony. I'd much rather have her date my best friend than some random stranger." Sirius grinned. "Is that what you were really worried about? Afraid I wouldn't like the two of you as a couple? You needn't have been- you have my full permission. Full steam ahead, I say! Are you going to go find her today to tell her, or wait 'til tomorrow so you're feeling your best?"

Remus shook his head again. "I'm not. I told you, we can't be together. She deserves someone her age. She deserves someone who can take care of her, not an unemployed penniless loafer."

"You're not a loafer and you know it. And if you suggested to Dora that she needed to be taken care of, she'd hex you. And I know that fiestiness is part of what attracts you. She's an _Auror_, for Merlin's sake. Stop being so damn old-fashioned, Moony." Padfoot glared at his best friend. "Have we run the gamut of objections yet? Because I've squashed every one with the very logic that you're usually so good at. Just go and tell her you like her back."

" 'Like her back'?" Remus smiled faintly. "What are we, fifth-years again?" His smile faded. "But I can't, Padfoot. You know I can't."

"_In the name of bloody Merlin, why?_" Sirius yelled, getting impatient, "You haven't presented one good reason yet."

"Do I really have to spell it out for you?"

Sirius was taken aback by the bitterness he heard. "Yes, I suppose you do, because I'm lost."

Remus sighed in frustation. "Sirius, I'm a _werewolf_."

Sirius blinked. Some part of him told him he should have seen this coming, but he really hadn't. He was so used to Remus knowing that he accepted him completely and unconditionally despite his condition that he'd forgotten how difficult it was for Remus to see other people that way. He knew that Remus had been hurt once, badly, when a woman he cared about couldn't accept what he was- and worse, it had been while Sirius had been in Azkaban, unable to help. All he could think to do now was state the obvious, hoping against hope it would be enough. "But Dora knows what you are. Everyone in the Order does. She clearly doesn't care."

"It doesn't matter," Remus said dejectedly, "For one thing, there's a difference between thinking you accept it and having to deal with it. When you and the others first saw me after a transformation, it was quite a bit different than simply knowing what I am, wasn't it? Most people couldn't have handled it like you guys. And even if she could, I don't want her to have to. She deserves someone better than me. Someone young. Employed. Whole. She deserves better than a werewolf."

Sirius wanted to physically shake Remus. He very nearly did, but he couldn't bring himself to make any more pain appear on his face, and held back. He was angry and frustrated. He knew that Remus didn't realize what a good person he was, and that this was part of what made him so good. But sometimes the self-deprecation went too far. Like now. Sighing, he said the first thing that came into his head. "God, I need James for this." He saw Moony open his mouth, and cut him off. "Oh no, don't go changing the subject. We've covered how much we miss James and how you don't think it's my fault he's dead. We're talking about _you_ now. And I need James because he was always the one who knew how to lead the heart-to-hearts. I can never get things out the right way." He sighed again. "Listen, Remus, your furry little problem notwithstanding, any woman would be thrilled to have you. You're everything they want- caring, sensitive, intelligent, and incredibly humble. The only think you lack is my good looks, but we can't all be me." Sirius allowed himself a grin. "I'm sure James would phrase this better, but you have to stop thinking that being a werewolf automatically makes you less of person. No matter what you say, you believe that the prejudices of the world have some truth. You think people _should_ look down on you because of what you are. James and I have been trying to convince you otherwise since we were twelve. If we haven't done so by now, then you, Remus Moony Lupin, are an idiot. Have you ever considered that it hurts _me_- and anyone else, Dora included, who cares about you- when you talk about yourself that way? Surprising as it may be, the universe does not revolve around the fact that you are a werewolf." Sirius stopped, realizing that he had come off more harshly than he intended, and already regretting his words. He refused to let this show on his face, however. Harsh or no, Moony needed to hear it, and he was the only one capable of telling him.

Remus sat stunned. The first things that pierced through his shock were anger and hurt. How dare he? Sirius didn't have _any_ idea what it was like to be him. What it was like to have people assume things about you, to have people hate you for something that wasn't your fault. This thought repeated in his brain for several moments before he realized with horror that Sirius _did_ know. The world hated him because they assumed he was a coldblooded murderer. Oh, it was different of course, very different. But it was closer than most people came to knowing what it was like to be a werewolf. At that moment Remus began to feel something else… shame. Loathe as he was to admit it even to himself, Sirius was absolutely right. He did think of himself as less of a person because he was a werewolf… despite the best efforts of a number of people to convince him otherwise. He was being extremely unfair to dismiss their argument out-of-hand simply because they weren't like him. He found Padfoot's eyes. "Well, James certainly _wouldn't_ have phrased it like that."

"Remus, I-,"

"No, let me," he interrupted, "Sirius… you're right. No one's ever come out and said it just like that, but perhaps they should have. I think… most of me really does realize that what people say about werewolves is complete nonsense, and that I shouldn't pay them any heed. But there's always been a small part that acknowledges how horrific what I become really is, even though I have no control over it, and that makes it easier to believe people when they say _monster_. And I didn't see what it does to other people when I take it out on them. I'm sorry. I don't see how you guys always put up with me."

"Because we like you. And it's good to know you still need me around to knock some sense into _you_ every once in a while. I'm just returning the favor." Sirius grinned broadly. "So are you going to go after Dora?"

Remus hesitated. "I… I don't know. I have to think about it for a while." He rubbed his face with his hands. His head had finally stopped spinning. He had so much to process, now that he could think clearly. He needed to be alone. "I'm going to go lie down for a while. See you later."

"Ah, off to analyze down to the last word. Ever the cautious one. Go on then." Sirius waved his best friend toward the stairs, waiting to see that he could manage them all right. The fact that he could showed how much their talk had done. Remus was nearly at the top before Sirius called, "But after all this, I better be the best man at your wedding!" He heard Remus' laugh drift back down into the dining room, and sat back in his chair with a satisfied smirk. Back to normal.

**A/N: It goes without saying, but reviews are the lifeblood of even an amateur author! So please drop a line, even if it's just to say you loved/hated/were apathetic toward my story... and more is never amiss... **


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